I have been writing about self-tan for nine years. I have applied, conservatively, four hundred bottles of mousse to my own body. There is essentially no scenario in which a tan should go badly for me. This is the story of one that did.
It was a Thursday. I had a wedding on Saturday. I had forgotten to tan in advance, which is the central error of self-tanning and the one I have warned my readers about more times than I can count. I went to the bathroom at five in the afternoon with an unopened bottle of St Tropez Self Tan Express Bronzing Mousse — a product I had recommended to several friends — and a plan to be tanned and dressed for dinner by eight.
I applied the mousse the way I always apply mousse: small amount of product, mitt, long sweeping strokes, careful around the wrists and ankles. I followed the instructions on the bottle, which say to leave the product on for one to three hours depending on the depth of colour wanted, then rinse.
What I did not do was pay attention to the warning on the bottle that the product develops faster on dry skin. I had exfoliated the morning before. My elbows, knees, and the tops of my feet were drier than the rest of me. By the time I rinsed, ninety minutes later, those areas had gone three shades darker than the surrounding skin.
I spent Friday lemon-juicing my elbows and scrubbing the tops of my feet with a body scrub that cost more than the tan. I went to the wedding on Saturday with mottled patches on my forearms and a pair of tights covering the worst of my calves. I spent Sunday and Monday continuing to even out the colour, which finally faded enough on Tuesday for me to look at my own legs without flinching.
The product, to be clear, did exactly what it said. The mistake was mine, and it was an unforced one. The express format — designed to develop fast, rinse off, and produce a finished colour in under four hours — is technically demanding even for someone who tans for a living. I should have used a slower-developing formula. I should have moisturised my dry areas first. I should not have applied a self-tan three hours before a deadline.
The lesson is not that St Tropez Express is a bad product. It is that the express format leaves no margin for error. If you are new to self-tanning, or if you have any drier patches on your body, or if you cannot afford the small risk of a mottled wrist, the slower-developing formats are the safer choice. Loving Tan's 2HR Express, which I now use almost exclusively, is somehow more forgiving despite being faster — the colour is more gradual on the way to depth, and the blending window is longer.
If you are reaching for an express tan because you forgot to tan in advance, my honest advice is to give up, accept the wedding photos as they are, and tan properly the next week.